Embody your inner power: stop people-pleasing

I had such a powerful session with a client recently, which reminded me why this inner work of empowering ourselves is so essential. It certainly has helped me tremendously, and honestly when I look back at how much my life has changed, I’m so grateful.

I feel so much more centered and peaceful in my inner life, and more intentional and confident in my interactions. It’s not like I arrived anywhere, because this inner self empowerment is a daily practice. And I want to share it with everyone who needs it — my kids, my friends, my clients.

I’m working with a young woman leader and mom, who came to coaching to build resilience and learn how to be more skilled at giving critical feedback - particularly to her boss. This is a typical issue leaders need coaching support with.

Managing up is a skill that most of us never formally learn. We all tend to default to our go-to survival strategy, typically avoiding important conversations we know we must have at some point.

When we become aware of unskilled patterns that hold us back, an inner shift begins to happen, and we start to interrupt and eventually release them.

I witnessed a profound shift with this client when she understood that avoidance wasn’t serving her, her team, or her boss. She avoided speaking up in other circumstances of her life because she didn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. This was her default, and it is so common, especially among women.

She gave herself permission to let go of worrying so much about other people’s feelings, and to take an honest look at her own needs.

“I know I should leave this role, I’ve outgrown it, but I feel bad for disappointing my boss, my team. There is another role in the organization that just came up, maybe I will reach out about it.” she said.

As we dug deeper, she realized her inner judge was labeling her as selfish for thinking about what she wanted. This is a belief rooted in her childhood, where she often felt responsible for caring for everyone in her family.

I noticed that women leaders, in particular, feel selfish or guilty when thinking about their own needs while feeling overly responsible for others' feelings.

This is a form of what Teri Cole calls high-functioning codependency, where our self-sabotaging patterns go unnoticed because we are so capable of handling our work, and at pleasing others, we get good feedback and validation, and end up staying longer in roles than we really should. The cost on our career can be quite high.

Studies show that nearly 75% of women experience daily self-doubt at work—a result of inherited programming, absorbed values, and experiences reinforcing unhelpful behaviors. A heartfelt shout out to the other 25% who don’t!

The inner critic might tell you that your potential is limited, that you must always prioritize others’ needs over your own, that you don't have options, or that you’re in danger if you speak up.

The truth is this:

You always have choices. Staying quiet or ignoring your needs is also a choice—a disempowering one at that.

Here is what my client was able to wholeheartedly acknowledge and internalize after a deep coaching session: “I am responsible for my own growth, and other people are responsible for theirs. It’s not my responsibility to fix other people’s feelings.”

Make the choice to embody your authentic power

Releasing responsibility for others' feelings isn’t about being indifferent—it’s about giving yourself permission to be truly present in your own life, needs, and personal vision. It’s choosing honesty over assumptions, and assertion over people-pleasing.

Here are some practical steps to take if you’re ready to let go of feeling responsible for others’ emotions and start honoring your own:

1. Set intentional boundaries around emotional responsibility
When you slip into “fix-it” mode for someone else’s feelings, pause and reflect. Ask yourself, “Am I responsible for their reaction, or is this an opportunity for them to manage their own emotions?” This is helpful in all your relationships.

It can help to set a personal mantra, like, “I trust others to handle their own emotions.” Practice this, especially when stepping into critical conversations, as it can free you to express your needs without excessive worry.

2. Acknowledge and address your own needs
Check in with yourself: what needs are you putting on hold? It’s easy to lose touch with what you need when you’re so focused on what others want. This week, prioritize work and interactions that are important, that truly energize you. So much of our time we spend in reactive mode, tending to seemingly urgent but less important work. This is the essence of working and living intentionally.

3. Replace “selfish” with “self-aware”
Remind yourself that attending to your needs doesn’t mean you’re selfish; it means you’re self-aware. Your well-being benefits everyone around you. Also, you’ll feel less resentful. I love this quote:

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

4. Establish a mindful practice of letting go
How do you actually let go? I’ve been working on this for a while. Sometimes I imagine letting things just be. I tell myself—it’s not mine to carry or worry about. Here is a prompt: “I release responsibility for ____’s feelings because I trust them to navigate their experience.”

5. Redefine what success means to you
A very successful leader who struggles with burnout recently came to coaching with this exact goal - redefine what success means to her. Within a week of our first coaching session, she adjusted her schedule in her medical practice, to have more time with her young children at home. I was so inspired by this quantum shift

Reflect on your own authentic desires and joy, rather than on what others model. Let’s face it, the world around us isn’t highly functional. Create a list of your core values, and start aligning your choices and actions with them. I have a worksheet for this, reach out if you need it! Focus on what lights you up.

So many of us are shifting away from fear-based, unhelpful inner patterns, cultivating an intentional leadership presence. You are not alone. Keep showing up as your most authentic, powerful self.

With love and courage

Ramona