Authentic Confidence - Newsletter Oct 2023
Dear one,
Recently, someone I coach shared this with me:
“I find myself constantly worrying that I don’t measure up, that my boss will realize that she made a mistake when she gave me this role.”
She is one of the youngest senior leaders in her organization. She is one of those accomplished people you work with who delivers high quality work on time, who makes you wonder, how does she do it?
If you happen to have a heart to heart together, she might let you in on her secret: she’s not feeling all that confident about herself.
The imposter syndrome can throw a thick cloud over your sense of confidence, making it difficult to truly internalize your achievements.
Here’s what I see happen over and over again.
The inner imposter gets triggered every time you reach the next level of your career. Here you are, having earned your right to create, lead, have an impact, yet inner pressure is holding you back.
The fear of making even a small mistake can throw you in a frenzy of overwork (fight instinct), it can be paralyzing (freeze instinct), or it can make you check Instagram or Netflix incessantly (flight instinct).
The Imposter can look and feel this way:
Sense that you don’t belong, often feeling not adequate, not authentic
You constantly compare yourself with others, overestimating them and underestimating yourself
You second-guess many decisions, feel like you’re faking it, and worry that others will see your incompetence
You seek external validation and avoid constructive criticism
You set impossibly high standards and avoid asking for help or delegating
You hesitate to take the lead in high stakes meetings even when it’s appropriate and you have good ideas
You overwork to the point of burnout.
Imposter syndrome is not the same as self doubt, Adam Grant points out. There’s a big difference between those who share an early idea and say “It’s just the first pass, I will make it better” and those who think, “This idea is bad, because I’m terrible.”
I remember clearly in one of the first leadership coaching sessions I received, stumbling upon this deep sense of inadequacy and feeling so ashamed. I also felt a sense of sadness and compassion for that part of me that Liz Gilbert calls our ‘unmothered self’.
It was so clear to me how much I’d been holding back on my own potential.
I made a commitment to heal myself, and help others heal their own inner imposter. I was drawn to understanding:
How might we heal ourselves of the fear of not being good/intelligent/kind enough?
How might we authentically own our work, showcase our brilliance?
How might we communicate from a place of deep confidence, without faking it?
“Within this circle, there is no internalization of the successful experience. The accomplishment isn’t accepted as part of our identity, so the next time we perform, it’s as if the previous accomplishments never existed. Thus, the cycle begins again” writes Dr. Lisa Orbé-Austin in her recent book “Own Your Greatness: Overcome Impostor Syndrome”.
I hear in coaching sessions how in the second stage of the circle (work hard to cover up), because of the heightened pressure of the ‘all or nothing’ mindset, sometimes we go in the opposite direction: self-sabotage through procrastination.
“I know how to do this project; I just seem to put off getting started until the last minute. I don’t know why I always do this to myself” said another client.
Procrastination is a self sabotaging behavior pattern, one hard to interrupt even if we understand it at a rational level.
I sometimes observe myself in real time when I’m procrastinating and have an important project I need to work on.
I recently lead a workshop at UC Berkeley’s Now Encore Conference a workshop called “Happier at work: How to tame Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and People Pleasing tendencies”. As I was about to begin outlining my presentation, I saw myself answer non-urgent emails, putting off the work precisely because it mattered so much to me.
If you’d like to see my talk you can find the recording here. Go to minute 44 to see how to actually reframe your Imposter mindset.
In preparation for the UC Berkeley talk, I was asked to go beyond the research and address the elephant in the room: the culture and bias toward historically marginalized people who will be in the audience.
My inner Imposter wanted me to pull back from the conference, whispering “who am I to talk about our culture, or bias”?
As it happens, as part of a 2-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Program I’m in the midst of, I’ve been deeply engaged in DEI work. I’ve been learning about the effects of our toxic corporate culture that values overwork.
The problem isn’t just our insecurity; it’s also the environment that created it in the first place.
The imposter tendency is tough to fight on your own. It is a powerful force that keeps you stuck in cycles of self delusion and self sabotage.
Don’t blame yourself for experiencing it. As my childhood friend Radu always says “Never blame yourself, blame the culture” :-) I’ve taken his advice more than I’d like to admit.
We all need to take an active part in creating a healthier work culture at a collective, team, organizational level.
It starts with you!
Here’s what you can do: make a point to check in and intercept the ‘I’m not good enough’ thought. Acknowledge and label it: “Ah, there is my inner imposter”.
Take three deep breaths (count to five in, five out), feel your feet on the ground, your back straight - as my teacher Tara Brach calls it “strong back, soft heart” in this meditation. This will calm your nervous system and help you stop automatic negative mental patterns.
Remind yourself with self compassion: “everyone experiences self doubt sometimes; may I be kind to myself as I learn and grow from this experience”.
Now, drum roll please… I’m excited to announce my brand spanking new FREE workshop to do this work together.
In my upcoming “Authentic Confidence” interactive workshop you will:
Learn specific science backed strategies that I’ve seen work well with my clients
Practice with other brilliant leaders how to reframe your mindset
Understand how to create a sense of deep, authentic confidence, not the ‘fake it till you make it’ kind.
It’ll be in the first week of November. More details coming soon <3
I can’t wait to see you there!
P.S. Enjoying this monthly newsletter? Please forward it to a friend who might resonate with it. Help me reach my goal of 1K subscribers <3
P.S.S. Want to manage your own inner Imposter so you can feel more empowered and authentic? Book a free 30 mins session to see if it’s a good fit
Hi, I’m Ramona, professional executive coach, helping senior leaders to grow their careers and break free from imposter syndrome and self sabotage. I coach leaders at Google, Facebook, Cisco, Deloitte, Accenture, Mars, Kohl’s, USA Department of the Air Force, Capital One, Salesforce, etc, as well as UC Berkeley and several non-profit organizations.
I’m a certified Positive Intelligence coach, Emotional Intelligence trainer, and Master Practitioner of Energy Leadership(TM).
Prior to becoming a coach I was a marketing research leader in tech (Twitter, eBay, Ancestry, StubHub). I started freelancing in 2015 to explore a career change. I launched a self-funded research project on happiness, which led to coaching and creating my signature Inside Out Leadership model which I teach at several organizations.
I’m passionate about deep inner transformation and personal agency, which I believe are key in making the world a better place.
I was born and raised in Transylvania, Romania.
#leadershipcoaching #leadershipskills #leadershipdevelopment #leadership #positiveintelligence #impostersyndrome #confidence #authenticity #happieratwork
