Release people pleasing - Newsletter July 2023

Hi dear one!

The other day, an entrepreneur I coach shared something that struck a chord with me:

“I’ve been so preoccupied with my appearance as a professional that I forgot that childcare should be my main priority. I am so used to always saying yes to meetings when I am already busy, meanwhile feeling guilty as a parent. I wanted to be that woman that people see and wonder ‘how does she do it all’? I realize that the validation I was looking for had a cost on my personal wellbeing. I want to graduate from being a people pleaser.”

This resonated with me so much. I know all too well the pain of going along with someone else’s needs even though I’d rather say no. For much of my life, I wasn’t aware I was doing it. I was taught to practically be a mind reader from an early age, guessing what my parents, friends, teachers wanted to hear.

For those of you raised in the old world or by immigrant parents, you know exactly what I mean. I was praised for being a good kid, exactly because of this quality. I could pick up on others' expectations, and became very good at pretending that I was ok with them.

I felt obligated to say yes and fix everything early in my career. I didn’t know how to set boundaries in my personal life.

I began to see that people who pushed back, paused to reflect and asked insightful questions were being recognized for their leadership.

Operating this way has a negative impact on us and those around us.

For one, when we aim to please others we make assumptions about what we think will help others.

There is a tipping point where overextending yourself defeats your work. A leader who I coached, struggled so much with saying yes to tight deadlines only to end up delivering work late consistently. She pushed her team to work late because she wanted to please her client. The team rushed through QC processes and the work had errors. The client wasn’t happy.

Second, lying to ourselves consistently takes us further and further from knowing what we want or who we authentically are.

I was sitting once with one of my best friends and my young daughter asked us what’s our favorite movie and we both realized we had no idea. Both of us were raised in a people pleasing culture, we were so used to saying yes to what others wanted that we never actually stopped to ask what we actually want. “What’s wrong with us?” my friend said.

Third, when our actions are not in congruence with our needs, we experience stress. 

“I feel like I betray myself” confessed another leader recently. When I asked her what it would look like to not betray herself, she said - “I would take care of myself, prioritize better, and say ‘no’ a lot more”.

A recent Surgeon General report on Mental Health and Well-being shows that 81% of workers say they will be looking for workplaces that support mental health in the future.

If you’re used to pleasing others AND you’re worried about your job, it makes sense that you pick up a project that someone else couldn’t do because you’re told that you’re the most capable to do it.

You say yes to a meeting that cuts into your time with your kids.

You beat yourself up for planning too much. You feel exhausted and resentful. You feel that you let yourself down. 

Photo by Teslariu Mihai on Unsplash

Research shows that pleasing people is an act of self sabotage . Here is how people pleasing is described in science:

• People pleasers have a strong need to be liked and often earn it by helping, rescuing, and flattering.

• They want to be accepted, and need frequent reassurance from others, want to be accepted.

• They can’t express their needs openly and directly.

Oh lord. I feel a tinge of deep shame. This was me, through and through.

If you feel shameful or guilty for your own people pleasing tendency, remember this - it’s completely natural and part of our DNA as social beings who want to belong, to be accepted.

An important part of the process of growth is shedding habits that hurt you. There comes a time in anyone’s life when you recognize an opportunity to change a story written in your head for decades. You don’t need to please others to belong. And, pleasing others is not actually helping them.

Acknowledging your people pleasing behaviors is a big first step forward. Ask yourself: where am I dishonest with others?

Next, pause and sense your emotions. Do you feel frustrated? Sad? Relieved? If anxiety or strong feelings come up, practice the 4-7-8 breathing technique. Taking even 3 such clearing breaths helps you think more clearly.

Then, reflect for a few minutes on what’s really going on. What story are you telling yourself? What assumptions are you making?

Lastly, tap into your self compassion. Hold yourself with kindness, the way you would a child or a pet.

Photo by Yannick Pulver on Unsplash

Positive Intelligence®️ research shows that there are 10 saboteurs that negatively impact our performance and wellbeing. People pleasing is one of them.

The good news is that research shows a pathway to healing from self-harming tendencies such as the people pleaser in us.

It starts with expanding our self awareness. Take this self assessment to see what are your self saboteurs and whether the Pleaser is in your top 3!

You can’t be fully in control of your plate at work. But you can communicate and push back based on priorities you aligned on. You can delegate more. You can deprioritize projects. You can ask for agenda before attending a meeting.

It all starts with self awareness and a genuine desire to unlock your next level of growth.

Here’s your invitation this month: when you sense that automatic need to be liked and conceal your needs, pause and investigate with self compassion.

Notice how freeing it feels to stay true to yourself, and to communicate openly your truth.

By setting realistic boundaries you begin to take control of the quality of your work and your life.

You are the captain of your ship. You are the keeper of your time and energy.

Cheering you on,

Ramona

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P.S.S. Want to manage your own people pleaser so you can feel more empowered and authentic? Book a free 30 mins session to see if it’s a good fit

Hi, I’m Ramona, a high-impact professional executive coach with a track record of empowering leaders to become more impactful and more satisfied. I coach leaders at Google, Facebook, Capital One, Salesforce, Adobe, Warner Brothers, etc, as well as UC Berkeley and several non-profit organizations.

I’m a certified Emotional Intelligence trainer and Master Practitioner of Energy Leadership(TM).

Prior to becoming a coach I was a marketing research leader in tech (Twitter, eBay, Ancestry, StubHub). I started freelancing in 2015 to explore a career change. I launched a self-funded research project on happiness, which led to coaching and creating my signature Inside Out Leadership model which I teach at several organizations.

I’m passionate about deep inner growth and personal agency, which I believe are key in making the world a better place.

I was born and raised in Transylvania, Romania.