Come as you are - Newsletter May 2023
Hello sweet friend!
A couple of weeks ago I went on a hike with Arran, my husband, looking to experience the California Superbloom. The torrential rains we had this past winter caused floods and also nourished the wildflower seeds lying dormant all over the hills.
We hiked hoping to see fields of orange poppies like in the Instagram photos taken by a local hiker, and yet all we saw was fields of tall golden grass. I hid my disappointment, thinking “we came too late! why are we always late on things?”.
On our way back, we ran into a fellow hiker, who as it turned out, leads hikes for the Santa Barbara Botanical Garden. “The poppies are everywhere, you just can’t see them because grass grows faster and overpowers them,” he said.
Those words stuck with me. I wondered - how many times am I not seeing beautiful flowers hidden in plain sight, because they’re overpowered by tall grass?
This is such a great metaphor for coaching. I think of myself as that fellow hiker - someone who helps others spot those bright colors in the space between grass blades. Their unique strengths, superpowers, and zone of genius, can similarly be hidden in plain sight.
Mount Figueroa on the outskirts of Santa Ynez, near Santa Barbara, CA, May 2023
Our culture encourages and rewards high achievers, who regularly stretch past their comfort zone. What we don’t talk about is the ever present self-doubt and anxiety they experience.
“I often come on too strong, too excited, too loud. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I learned to change and adapt so I’m not that aggressive person in the room. I learned to adapt so well that I can honestly be whomever people want me to be” said recently a successful senior leader I coach.
That vulnerable self-reflection struck a chord with me. I used to describe myself in this exact way.
It’s important to adapt depending on the type of meeting and the audience. The way we adapt matters. Do we do it as a way to be liked, by guessing what others want us to be and then “faking it”, be that persona? Or do we do it authentically, as we are? It can be difficult to stay connected to our own authenticity, when we are bombarded with messages that tell us to just to pretend.
We need to stop telling people to ‘fake it till you make it.’ It sends the message that we need to pretend in order to succeed. Let’s replace it with the more honest "one step at a time.”
Faking it is the recipe for imposter syndrome. We might fool others but we can’t fool ourselves.
Research shows that women are more likely than men to feel insecure and second guess their performance. Imposter syndrome is also high in marginalized or minority groups.
When we believe we aren’t good enough as we are, we cultivate low self esteem and shame.
We look around to see what we should be instead, eroding our authenticity - the very foundation for leadership.
We go along with what others ask of us even when we don’t want to (people pleasing) while inside we develop a sense that we are a fraud (imposter syndrome).
We avoid asking for continuous feedback at work. We also avoid giving important feedback to our team.
We don’t grow as leaders and as humans in the way we’re meant to.
Yarrow is my favorite wildflower. Fun fact: I got a tattoo of it last year!
“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde
When we aren’t authentic, we essentially hide parts of our personality we aren’t proud of. It’s like saying to the part of us that is undesirable: ‘you go hide in the bedroom while we have guests; you can come out later when it’s safe’.
Carl Jung talked about these parts of ourselves that we hide as our inner shadow, that longs to be seen. He defined the collective unconscious with eight different Jungian archetypes, one of which is the shadow, and another is the wise person in us.
Our inner shadow can grow like those tall grasses. The more we reject it, the more we tend to self-sabotage ourselves.
We have to cultivate the courage to show up as we actually are.
When people ask me how to become more confident and resilient, I start by teaching the skill of self awareness.
I ask them to track situations when they feel triggered, and when they feel inauthentic.
When you’re aware that you’re pushing away parts of you, and you begin to accept and embrace who you are at the core, you truly empower yourself to be the wise, confident leader you are at the core.
It will help you have empathy toward others, which will lead to deeper connections and better relationships.
As my mentor Tara Brach says - “all is welcome”.
There is a certain calm energy I feel when I connect to the notion that all parts of me are allowed. I think that’s what it means to be our own best supporter, our own best friend.
Here’s your invitation this month: when you sense you are pushing away a part of you, pause and allow it to stay.
Journal about it with an open mind and heart using these prompts:
What tends to make you judgmental toward others? When did you demonstrate those traits yourself?
When are you hard on yourself? Why?
What’s something you wish that other people understood about you?
I had this ah-ha recently (which inspired this newsletter) that we’d all feel so much calmer if we learned to befriend ourselves - to accept ourselves just as we are.
We’d be able then to accept others just as they are, too.
And perhaps we’d experience more peace as a community, as people.
We’re all in this together.
Cheering you on,
Ramona
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P.S.S. Want to manage your own imposter syndrome so you can feel more empowered to grow your career and impact in the world? I’m opening only 3 spots during the summer. Book a free 30 mins discovery session to see if it’s a good fit
