How you feel matters, not just how well you perform

I confess I didn't know what the imposter syndrome is until a few years ago, toward the beginning of my coaching career. I never heard it mentioned during my corporate career - maybe people were too afraid to be vulnerable, or just unaware like I was.

Over the first few years as a coach, I kept hearing high achieving women talk about not feeling that they belong in high stakes meetings, or worried that they will be found out for not being smart enough or experienced enough.

"I KNOW I deserve a seat at the table, but I just don't FEEL that I belong" one leader told me.

The more I researched the imposter syndrome the more I realized, mortified, that I too had it for a long time (BTW I'd much rather call it 'imposter tendency' because in most cases it's just that - a tendency that can be managed).

As an Eastern European expat/immigrant, I subconsciously felt I had real reasons to feel like an 'imposter'.

I over researched and over prepared (perfectionist tendencies, related to IS) not just for big projects, but even for the smallest one liners I would post years ago on Facebook. For years I asked my American husband to double check some of my emails to ensure I don't slip in the wrong word and compromise my reputation.

What's wrong with over preparation after all? It gets good results, right?

It took me a long time to realize that underneath the success in my work and accolades I received, I had a constant feeling of not belonging, of not being up to par.

Many clients share this disconnect between outward success and inner doubt.

How we perform and how we feel in the process are vastly different things, and we are told that only the first matters.

We're always told to focus on the outcome, and how we FEEL as a human being goes unmentioned.

Procrastination is an example of poor experience.

The stress that comes from not feeling good enough can be so high that as a way of coping we push project work till the last minute. Then we do an awesome job and never think again about what it took to get there. Until the next project we land.

This is why when people come to me for help with procrastination I don't give them project management tips. I ask what are they afraid of.

Often they realize they are afraid to mess up, to fail. Acknowledging those fears is the first step toward healing.

Another example of poor quality experience for people with IS is not internalizing praises or success.

If you tend to say 'oh it was nothing' discounting your hard work, I feel for you.

I urge you to truly accept and embrace YOUR contribution to the project success. Own your brilliance.

#impostersyndrome #perfectionism #leadershipdevelopment #leadershipcoaching #personalgrowth #happinessatwork