HOW TO BE BALLSY
Is anyone about to make a career decision they feel torn, tormented about? Like you want a few items from Career move A, and a few from Career move B, but you can't decide on one?
What if column A had all things you always wanted: lots of money, prestige, traveling internationally, managing people - a full on #corporatebossbabe. What if column B had all things you only dreamed of: freedom to set your own work hours, time to exercise at the beach in the morning rather than commuting, time to journal, time to cook healthy nourishing food, no stress from deadlines, time to drop your kids to school, time to do part time work that's not incredibly stimulating, time to kick start and grown your own business, maybe even write a book - a full on #radiantbabe
It's a trick question. The answer is - it depends. If you're in your 20s and 30s, your answer might likely be an absolute yes for Career move A. At least that's how I would have answered 5-10 years ago. If, like me, you're in your 40s, you probably would answer Career move B. Why do I make these assumptions? Because generally speaking, from the research I've conducted, we're more likely to seek security, prestige, and financial success in our younger stages of life.
In a new book by Jonathan Rauch (called The Happiness Curve), research also shows that for many people, from age 20 into age 40, happiness follows a U-shaped trajectory, a “happiness curve,” declining from the optimism of youth into what’s often a long, low slump in middle age where hard, stressful work prevails, before starting to rise again at age 50+. Why? Most people tend to grow in their 50s, as they shift their values and priorities away from being competitive and toward compassion, thus getting access to new tools for happiness (wisdom and gratitude) in the third stage of life (age 50+).
Happiness is tricky, because it involves making choices that make us happy, excited, full of energy in the present, as well as choices that make us feel we live a life of meaning and purpose, which will make us happy in the future.
So, back to making a choice between column A and column B. What's best to do when you want both security (which comes at the price of having no time for self) and freedom (which comes at the price of having no secure income stream)? It depends, and the answer will vary for each of you. For me, here is how I think of it.
I think there there should be a column C, where we shouldn't have to choose between giving our life away and a balanced life. We shouldn't have to choose to provide for our family and having time with our kids. It's an especially tough decision for us moms, but it's not that different for dads either. As a parent, it's more apparent that a corporate full time job robs me of all my energy, so much so that even when I'm not at work I think mostly about work, making it very difficult to have a balanced life, which is really what we all should and need to strive for.
Each of us is on a journey, and often, to make the right choice along the way, it comes down to how honest and ballsy we can be. It's in those moments when we are quiet and sit with ourselves, when we brush our teeth or wait in the elevator, or in line at the grocery store, when we hear our own voice, encouraging us to be courageous.
Courage is teachable, and it's something we need to practice regularly.
“Courage is…a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.”
- Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
So. How do we practice being ballsy?
Here is my own process: first I have a clear image of something I dream of doing that gets me super excited, like I picture holding my finished, published book, and going on speaking tours. I picture an app I'll design one day. I see myself disrupting the life coaching business. These dreams truly energize my very core.
Then, I think about my kids, the example I set for them. I take each decision through the lenses of a story I want to be able to talk with my girls with pride and integrity, a story where the hero (me) has made courageous acts she didn't think were possible, in the name of a dream, a purpose.
Last, I look for examples of people who already did something similar to what I dream of doing. I Google first time writers, immigrants who achieved their impossible dreams, activists who showed unimaginable courage.
For a last drip of inspiration, the cherry on top, I think about people I'm inspired by, who I admire so much. I channel strong women in my family (my mom and mom in law, my girls, my grandmothers), and I channel my heroes (Elizabeth Gilbert, Michelle Obama, Oprah, JK Rowling, Rosa Parks, Georgia O'Keeffe, Julia Child, Maya Angelou). The latter exercise is really powerful, and I highly recommend you jot down and even print photos of your own heroes, people you deeply connect and are inspired by.
Here's to being ballsy and following your bliss! You don't have to wait till age 50 to align your true values with your career and your life and get on your own path of happiness!
“If you can see your path
laid out in front of you step by step,
you know it's not your path.
Your own path you make
with every step you take.
That's why it's your path.”
― Joseph Campbell
