MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCES

This morning, I met our Airbnb guest, a bright man in his early 20s. From upstate New York, he now lives in India, but comes often to San Francisco to look for investors for the product he's built with his engineer and designer friends. He pays $250 a month for a nice place in a hipster neighbourhood of Bangalore, India. He's now trying to decide if he should move to San Francisco or stay in India. 

Then asked me about what I do, and a minute later, we were philosophizing about Happiness and choices. I told him that one of my core discoveries is that we seem to make important choices by aiming to the wrong outcome. (Yeah - we got this level of personal rapport in about 6 minutes.)

Here is what I mean. We are taught at a very young age, and this is often implied rather than told, that STATUS + WEALTH/THINGS are the outcomes we need to strive for in life. That the main currency in life is MONEY. Both of which, I believe, are wrong. 

Instead, I believe we should strive for a different outcome: MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCES + KNOWLEDGE. And we all know that the main currency in life is TIME. This might sound like a no brainer, but thinking this way altered our family's life choices significantly. We started looking for opportunities to maximize our experiences, to see places, to meet interesting people, to learn new things and skills. We praise our kids' effort rather than grades. We look for learnings and progress, rather than grades and perfection. 

What if we really took meaningful experiences (both outer and inner) + knowledge seriously as the real goal in life? What if we took time seriously, the only truly limited resource we have, as the real currency? How would that change our life choices? How would that influence our college or career choice, the place we live in, what we do in our free time? What if we took the time to pay attention to the quality of our experiences, rather than reacting to what's thrown at us at every moment? What if we carved time and space to CREATE an interesting life?

Abraham Maslow says "a person cannot choose wisely for a life unless he dares to listen to himself, his OWN SELF, at each moment in life."

In his book "Happier", Tal Ben-Shahar, Harvard professor, suggests that we make a habit to ask ourselves regularly "Are the things that I am doing meaningful to me? Are they pleasurable? Is my heart telling me that I must change my life? We have to listen, really listen, to our hearts AND minds - our emotions AND our reason."

in April 2015, at the end of a year spent in Europe with the family, I asked my friend Rosalie Puiman, a powerful leadership coach based in Amsterdam, to help me with a tough decision I was about to make. I was offered a great job, a position at a company I loved, and a lot of money. But despite the amazing job offer, I felt a deep, clear instinct, that it wasn't the right thing to do. Before that meeting, I had a Skype call with Rosalie. I didn't know what to expect, but felt I needed her help.

We spent an hour of guided meditation, something I've never done before. I connected with my mind, and realized that what I really wanted was to work part time, to have more free time for the kids and I. Then, I connected with my heart, and realized that what I really desired was to have more free time so I can write. Lastly, Rosalie guided me to connect with my soul. I held my trembling hands on my belly button, and felt increasing warmth. I felt tears coming through. Since my sister's passing, five years prior, I had very rarely been able unfreeze my soul and shed any tears. I realized that I wanted to write more than anything else. That my life depended on allowing my true voice to come through.

It was clear to me that I had to turn down the fabulous job offer, one of the hardest things I had to do. Before the call with the HR of that company, I asked my husband to stay by me, and literally hold my hand as I declined the fabulous offer. Mind you, this was even tougher to do living as we were at the time, in a small village in the countryside of Romania, where everyone would have probably thought I was crazy to say no to that offer. 

But I resisted the temptation, was honest about my reasons, and said no. I never regretted that decision. More so, I ended up working as a freelancer for that company, time in which I started writing my first book. I was, as they say, "lucky".

Now of course we need to work and support ourselves, our family, and kids. But we have to evaluate our choices carefully, though the lenses of honesty. This comes from peeling the layers of heart, from peeling, and peeling, all that we were taught, to get to the core of what we wish for deep down. I found that my wish to write had been covered by many thick layers of preconceptions, and of what others told me to do. 

So how do we actually connect with our inner wisdom? There is no universal prescription for this. There are no hacks. No shortcuts. Different scholars, writers, and personal development gurus have their own unique way to do it. Some pray. Some journal. Some analyze their daily activities and look for ways to optimize their time by adding meaningful experiences. Like with anything important, we have to leverage the power of habit. 

Personally, I have developed a little morning ritual that works for me. I spend a few extra minutes in bed each morning, and before I'm fully awake, I think about the people in my life who I love, and who I'm grateful for. This makes me feel instantly energized and happy. Then, I think about my mantra "let me connect with my true self". I hold my hands on my belly like I did back then when I was guided by Rosalie, and I draw energy to my soul. I feel powerful and clear-minded. Then, I get a warm glass of water and squeeze some fresh lemon in it. It all takes about 5 mins. And I'm ready to go.