SO, AFTER 3 YEARS, IT HAPPENED!!
Exactly two years ago, when we returned home from a year of living on my parents' farm in Transylvania, I was wailing on our L-shaped living room couch. I was back home after realizing my dream of living off the grid and traveling through Europe with our kids, and I found myself hopeless. My tears were heavy and ran from a well deep down, like those we saw dotting many courtyards in the Romanian countryside. Chilling water, coming from deep, dark places. My tears chocked me as I had the realization that even after a year away, which we had carefully thought about for about 5 years previously, and I was no closer to figuring out what I wanted to do with my life.
I had thought that if I could just take a little time off, even 3 months, surely that would be enough time to slow down, connect with deeply hidden parts of myself, of old dreams and hopes, and bring to light a direction I was meant to follow in my life. The 3 months we had initially planned for became 1 year. I went back to my homeland, reconnected to with many parts of myself I had not acknowledged for a long time, and felt like I had done "spring cleaning" in my soul. I had gone Minimalist on my soul, decluttered, and felt lighter. It was refreshing, fun, and deeply relaxing at a deep level. I had nourished and spoon-fed my starved soul.
And here I was, back home, empty handed. I didn't come back with a new vision for myself. I came home calmer and more peaceful, with my naked, vulnerable parts of my soul out in the open. Three days later, still jet lagged in more ways than one, I was back on the corporate bus headed to Silicon Valley, a place I thought I'd never be part of again.
To my surprise, the internal peace and smile that was inside me and earnestly on my face too, seemed to spread and infect those around me. Others noticed it. People I didn't know talked to me, and within a few lines of conversation they opened up about how much they too have been dreaming about a longer vacation, a trip somewhere, or a long break from the rat race. I shared with anyone who would listen about my experience of first thinking about going away, to then finally deciding to take the risk of actually going away, and to coming back.
Later I read about Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey, which starts with the "Hero" being invited to go on a journey (the "Departure"), which he at first resists ("refusal of the call"), until eventually he makes up his mind to take off, often guided by a mentor figure. Next, the Hero steps past the threshold (the "Initiation") of an unknown, new world, in which he fights monsters, faces challenges, trials, and self-doubts, eventually faces a major obstacle, or wake-up call, after which he comes out stronger, and collects his treasure or reward (think Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, or the Buddha or Jesus story).
What happens next is, the Hero must come back home (the "Return"), even reluctantly. What he finds, no surprise, right?, is that he is changed, transformed by the experiences he's been through, and brings his wisdom to the people back home.
"Even Gautama Buddha, after his triumph, doubted whether the message of realization could be communicated, and saints are reported to have died while in the supernal ecstasy" says Joseph Campbell in his phenomenal work, The Hero with a Thousand Faces.
Ah - but I didn't know any of this at the time. I was disappointed that our year away had ended and that I had come home empty handed, without a major realization of what my purpose or calling in life is. I know now that finding our calling is a life's work, and it's not something static. So I advice against putting that sort of pressure on yourself when you do decide to go on your own self-discovery adventure. Something gives us a sense of fulfillment today, and tomorrow, as the world shifts, we might find a sense of fulfillment from something else, and we need to be open and be aware of what works or what no longer brings us personal, authentic happiness.
I noticed that despite being back at my old job, I indeed observed a change in me. I was significantly happier and more emotionally stable, my ups and downs were much less sizable or frequent. In the research world, that's what we call an A/B test. Same job, different experience. Same variables, different outcome. In the way I experienced the world, I was a changed person.
Afterwards, I had a bunch of small, frequent realizations. I quit my job two months later, and started my "career" as a freelancer, something highly risky when you're an important breadwinner and have two children. I found myself more willing to take the risk of what I thought was the right thing to do, and trust that everything will be ok. My rationale was simply that if the freelance thing doesn't work, I can always "go back". No one could take my career and work experience away.
I worked part time in my new freelance gig (committed to work 20-30 hrs which I still do to this day), and made time for writing. I discovered both that I adore writing and that I have a strong self block on opening up. I was triple checking my one-liner Facebook updates, let alone write about my opinions, and that blockage surfaced even in my own personal diary. Habits are hard to change, of course, especially when we're not aware of having them.
I decided to work on that self-blockage. Our instincts have a lot of the answers to our problems... I took a couple of classes at Spirit Rock Meditation Center (highly recommend writing mediation as a way to open up the creative flows), and a writing workshop in Napa with my inspiration muse Elizabeth Gilbert.
By October 2015, I had figured out that there is a project I'd love to do... I wanted to interview others about their journey and what makes them happy. (When the pressure was off, it later occurred to me that writing about happiness might just be what I'm meant to do, at least for now). As a researcher, asking people about their opinion and making sense of their underlying motivations and barriers is almost second nature to me.
My writing got better, and my readings expanded. Early this year, I compiled my learnings into a "happiness framework" (which I'll share in an upcoming post), to make sense of all the intricate pieces I had learned about, across different academic disciplines (from Positive Psychology, Economics, and Anthropology to Philosophy, Spirituality and.. Nutrition).
In February, I thought I might be ready to share this framework. I set up a deadline, to ensure I follow through. And yet by the beginning of this month, I started panicking and self doubting myself. I had already shown the happiness framework to several close friends whose opinion I highly value, and every time the reaction was very positive, which gave me the confidence to keep going.
But I truly couldn't imagine the full-on heavy heart beat panic I experienced the morning before the Path of Happiness Workshop last Saturday, 6/17. Nor could I have imagined the thrill and sense of true, deeply overwhelming, Joy I felt when, surrounded by a bunch of sharp, wise women, I "unveiled" the fruits of my 3 years of labor. Or, as Joseph Campbell would say, I came home to share the lessons I had gathered on my journey.
"You give yourself to life
by leaving temporality behind.
Desire for mortal gains
and fear of loss
hold you back form giving
yourself to life."
If there is anything you think about doing differently, a change, imagine yourself on that journey. You're the Hero. Will you take the call of adventure now, or wait till "you're ready" (I waited 5 years, you might not need to wait that long!).
It helps to envision yourself on your journey, and expect that you'll wrestle with monsters (internal and external) and to be open to a sage or wise advice (the key is to recognize advice that opens up your world rather than closes it in). It helps to know that the process is that of a typical human journey, and that you will come out the other way, and hopefully, you'll come back home, and share with us your gifts and wisdom you gathered in the process.
"The return
is seeing the radiance
everywhere."
