A DAY RUN BY WOMEN AT BURTON HIGH

Yesterday morning I woke up at sunrise. I couldn't eat, didn't drink coffee, and tried to operate with a brain fueled by fear and excitement. Not a healthy recipe for a successful day. 

I was preparing for my first speech about Happiness. I had been invited to speak on Women's day at Burton High here in San Francisco, as part of the "A day run by women" event. 

Now I'm no spring chicken when it comes to speaking in front of people. I spoke at large conferences an presented to CMOs in my prior, corporate life. I can talk about intricate statistics, research and strategy. I can defend arguments. But this was a talk about happiness, that elusive emotion that's hard to talk about even with adults. Happiness, as a word, is right up there with "god". It's misunderstood, overused and under appreciated. And my teenage audience doesn't usually think it's particularly "dope" to open up about emotions like vulnerability, failure, hope, wisdom, and joy. 

I took this challenge because I may a point to have fun throwing myself in highly uncomfortable situations. There might be a name for this condition, and not many people may have it, but I do. 

So when I found myself in front of scary teenagers who weren't interested in me or what I had to say, I stood up, smiled, and said "My name is Ramona, and I'm here to talk to you about happiness. But before we do that, I'm sure you noticed my accent. Where do you think it's from?" And the ice started to break; I made fun of myself and of their wrong guesses, and moved on to talking about happiness. I didn't once look at my notes. 

I talked about happiness as the thing that we all wish for, the thing that unites all of us. That happiness is work in progress, and that nighter myself, their teachers, their parents, or their president (don't get me started) has it all figured out. That happiness is about being in the moment, about tuning in to our inner wisdom, about being honest with ourself and others, about being courageous, determined, and stubborn to ACT on our inner wisdom, on that which we know is the right thing to do, at all times. 

I talked to them about CHANGE. I told them about how I grew up in communist Romania, how my mom stayed in line for milk and butter at 4 AM, how I studied for college at the candle light because there was no electricity after 5PM in most evenings. I told them about the day the Romanian revolution started, how people were bing shot on the streets, and yet their voices couldn't be shut down. I told them about that night when I was their age, when a bullet came flying through our window and landed right behind my head, landing in the three books. I told them that even though my parents and my grandparents lived their entire lives in an oppressive regime, and no one thought things could ever change, they did. That change is birthed through incredible work and pain and suffering, but that it can and does happen.

I also told them they should never let anyone tell them them they're not SPECIAL, because they are. I told them the story how after the communism went down, and the borders opened, that I told a friend that I wanted to immigrate to the US. How my friend laughed at me and said "You're crazy! There are millions of super smart people who are trying to get a job in America. What makes you think you can do it? What makes you think you're special?". 

I asked them to raise their hand if someone had ever put down a dream, a crazy idea they have. Many courageous high schoolers did raise their hand. 

One of them said he wants to become a genetics researcher. Another that he wants to become an actor. Another wants to build a computer game. A girl said she wants to be a pediatrician. A boy said he wanted to play basketball professionally. Lucky you! I said. You have a dream already. DO NOT ever listen to anyone who tells you that you can't do it. That if someone puts them down, it says more about who that person is than about who they are. Because only they know deep down what they're capable of. And that in reality they can do A LOT MORE than they think they can. That these are not just fuzzy words but facts backed by science and research. 

Because if you do what you like to do, you enjoy doing, and it doesn't feel like a chore, and you end up doing more of it, and time seems to fly, and you have the sense that you are important, that your life is meaningful. You have a feeling that things are possible. You like yourself. You begin to be more open, and more compassionate, and you end up encouraging others too. 

But most importantly, the more time you put into something you like, you become really good at it. To get good at something, Malcom Gladwell says, it takes about 10,000 hours, or roughly 10 years. What are you willing to spend 10 years of hard work on? The boy who wanted to build computer games sat up straighter and smiled to me.

Then I told them about the growth mindset and the fixed mindset, based on the Carol Dweck's research. I asked them to always pay attention at their mindset and story they tell themselves. Do they tell themselves that their intelligence and talents are static, or do they believe that they get learn and stretch their abilities? 

Learning something new, something hard, and sticking to things—that’s how you get smarter. Setbacks and feedback aren’t about your abilities, they are information you could use to help yourself learn. A growth mindset is simply the belief that everyone can develop their abilities through education, hard work, strategies, and lots of help and mentoring from others.

And lastly, I told them about the happiness research I've been working on. I told them about the things I noticed about people who consider themselves happy, compared to those who consider themselves less happy. That happy people tend to be (1) honest with themselves and others, a difficult thing to do; (2) courageous to act on what they think is the right choice for them; (3) stubborn, not giving up on listening to their own, authentic voice; (4) creative, in finding smart solutions and seeing possibilities; and (5) self-started, where they get going, not waiting for others to tell them what to do.

When I left, the computer geek kid came to speak to me afterward. He have me a hug. I felt such deep connection and love for those kids. So grateful to Phillip & Sala Burton High School for the incredible honor to connect me with those inspiring teenagers.