KNOW THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE

There was a time, about three years ago, when I noticed that I increasingly snapped from the littlest things. I felt frustrated, angry. After many years of a growing yet unfulfilling corporate career, I found myself increasingly anxious about where my life was headed. The bulk of my days were spent in meetings in corporate offices. My work had become too abstract, and didn’t see any real, tangible accomplishments at the end of the day, the month, or the year. My body was stiff with stress and I secretly wanted to be anywhere but there. I wanted to quit not just my job, but the entire career path I was on.

Looking back, I think an important step in shifting my life's path and making a significant change began once I allowed myself to admit that my job had become boring, mundane, and that I wanted to do something more significant. When I was able to see past my pain and my tantrums (“so many people figured out what they want to do with their lives, why can’t I ?”), I recognized my deep, firm belief that everyone’s life must have a purpose, that I wasn’t different than other people in that my life too must have a purpose. There is something great for me to do, I thought. Something extraordinary. But how to find what that was? 

My doubtful brain thought that if I did have a true purpose I would have found it by now. And yet in my heart I felt certain that if there is a calling I'm meant for, I will find it.

Rationally, it didn’t make sense to quit. I was the main breadwinner in the family. I had invested in my growing career endless hours over many years. Doubts came in like hungry birds, picking up the seeds of my hope, one by one, until there were none left. I was left feeling ridiculous for thinking there could be a possibility to escape. The words of some of my colleagues and friends, came in to close the deal on my already beaten up, defeated soul - many people feel they want to quit their job and change their life, but no one really does it. 

And yet, after many years of attempts to negotiate with myself, when my sister passed away in an accident, something in me shifted, and I began to feel more decisive, more courageous. I armed myself to fight my doubts. I imagined that I was promoted and I had my boss’ job. I imagined leading meetings, hiring and firing people, managing my colleagues who like me, didn’t want to be there. The prospect of being my boss was decidedly not exciting. The more in detail I imagined where I was headed, the more pain I felt. This pain was the armor I needed to fight my doubts, and I eventually became convinced that I needed to make a significant change to save my life’s energy, to save my mental health, my heart.