THE ONE BURNING QUESTION

Oct 19

There is a question that has been both my thorn and my guru for many years. This question has burned at first through my brain and then through through my heart. Most of my thoughts at any given hour began revolving around this one question. And it’s a question as old as the world itself. “What am I here for?”

The question implies that there is something we’re here for, right? It implies that there is something we must seek, and that we’re capable of finding it. It implies that we’re here for a reason, that our individual lives matter. It also implies that each of us have our own particular reason we’re here for. We see and personally know a few people who seem like they found their unique calling, but that calling is not a good fit us.

I’ve been wrestling with this question since around college years. Throughout my twenties, I questioned the very assumption that we indeed are here for a reason. I looked into different religions, and spirituality for answers. I tried on many ways of thinking.
In school, I was good at math. This made me wonder - am I to become a math teacher? Too little money, too little control over where you live, my mom dismissed the option. What about business, she suggested? Should I pursue finance, which would guarantee me a secure job? Should I become an investment baker? Talk about a well paying job.

In my free time, for as long as I could remember, I knitted, sewed, and created things with fabrics. I wondered, should I become a fashion designer? When I met my husband, who was at the time in art school, we began going to gallery openings, to museums, to creative art installations in New York City, and Brooklyn. I saw installations made with mixed media, I began to think about the possibility to knit with different materials beside yarn. One day I wanted to knit something chunky, and thought about cutting t-shirts, and knitting with it. Next, I thought - why don’t I just buy the fabric from which t-shirts are made, and cut that. Which I did, and from that cutout yarn, I made a chunky dress which one of my friends, a dancer, used in dance performances. I didn't finish the dress all the day, and tucked one end on the stage. As she danced, the dress slowly unraveled, as our life does. After each performance, I knitted the dress back together. I wondered then - Am I to be an artist?

The question kept following me, appearing in many different shades, yet the core was always the same. Is this it? What problems was I here to solve? What type of pursuit could fill my heart with true meaning? How could I live a life with purpose? These questions followed me like running, hungry wolves. They chased me, and I ran, and when I was tired, I hid. Knowing they would never leave me, felt painful and hopeful at the same time. The wolves were here for a reason. They served a purpose. They were the parts of my soul that were hungry for real substance. They were there to remind me of my core, of the powerful essence within my soul. They were the proof that I hadn’t yet created what I needed to create.

Then things started to shift. One of my good friends moved to a farm and grew vegetables, while working for a university remotely. She was happy. One of my younger colleagues quit her job and started a tea company. One of my friends quit her job to start med school in her late thirties. One of my friends worked as an advertising freelance consultant. One of my friends started her health business as a nutritionist and acupuncturist. Another friend quit her corporate job and became a doula.

An interesting thing happens when you see changes around you. It's like... when you’re pregnant. You walk around, and you begin to notice pregnant women all over the place. Down the street, at work, in a restaurant, on the sidewalk cafe, in line at the DMV. You know what I mean. While there must always have been about the same number of pregnant women around, you never noticed them. Now that you’re pregnant, you see them all over the place, and smile to them, and you have a sense of belonging.

By seeing one example after another of strong women who made life changes I too craved, I began to adapt my notion of what it means to be a mature, and practical, person. If these people could find and pursue their life calling, so could I. I eventually realized that I always loved to write, so I embraced writing. I dug deeper and thought about my values, and my true mission - to help others make the life changes they desire. I realized that my heart's true mission is to spread the word of how people like you and me can take control of their lives and live their life on their own terms.

To get there, I kept thinking of different ideas. I sifted through options, I choose a few, I imagined how each would change my life. I waited. I discarded the idea and started again. Liz Gilbert, one of my favorite writers, calls this "the flight of the hummingbird". Like a bird, you tirelessly go from flower to flower, searching for nectar. Businesses call it ‘analysis paralysis’. Some level of analysis is good. Too much of it is paralyzing. You imagine making the change, you begin to actually feel like you’ve made the change. And then, you encounter what psychologists call homeostasis, which is the natural tendency to resist change.

This constant tension between the need to stay with the familiar, and the desire to change, is exhausting. Your fears block your deep desire for change, over, and over, and over. We’re risk adverse. We want to first and foremost have security, a roof above our head, food on our table. Back in the 70s, the renown psychologist Maslow came up with a model that explain this. There is a hierarchy to our needs. He acknowledged that we have basic needs, but that we also have higher needs. Before he died, he changed his famous needs framework by adding one more layer at the very top of the pyramid model, which he called ‘self actualization’. This is the need we each have to have meaning to our life.

Whether or not you’ve asked philosophical questions, you probably wrestled with your own inner wolves. Whether or not you’re into religion or spirituality, you probably feel you are here for a reason. Whether or not you love your job, your career, your own startup, you know there is yet another layer of depth you can reach to truly express who you are, because, just like the universe we’re part of, we’re always developing and expanding. We never stop growing.

Our future keeps unfolding, whether or not we’re taking an intentional stand at designing, or curating it. Take control, and allow yourself to be inspired, to be curious, to be courageous to stir your ship toward your own core. Be the curator. Chart the course of your own life!