Why Giving Feedback Feels So Hard (And How to Make It Easier)
A client recently confessed to me during a coaching session, "I hate giving negative feedback. It reminds me of my mom nagging me and criticizing everything I did. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I’m afraid they’ll take it personally."
Giving feedback isn’t easy because most of us carry the emotional baggage of how criticism felt as kids. Maybe it stung when your mom nitpicked your messy room, or your teacher pointed out your mistakes in front of the class.
Many of us struggle with giving feedback because we don’t like hurting other people’s feelings.
But here’s the truth: when given thoughtfully, feedback builds trust and unlocks potential.
So, how do you give feedback that helps rather than harms?
Bringing Humanity to Feedback
Great feedback balances truth with care. Use empathy and focus on behaviors—not judgments. Stick to facts, avoid assumptions, and aim to help the person succeed.
Step 1: Start With Empathy
Remember how it feels to be on the receiving end of feedback. It’s vulnerable and can sometimes sting, even if it’s well-intentioned. Ask yourself:
Why am I giving this feedback? Why is it important for that person to hear it?
How might it feel for the other person to hear this?
How will this feedback help this person grow?
Step 2: Ask for Permission
This step is often overlooked but can make a huge difference - it ensures the person is ready to hear what you have to say. We call this ‘getting the buy-in’:
“I’d like to share some feedback about the client presentation this morning. Is now a good time, or should we set up a time later this week?”
Step 3: Use the SBI Model
The SBI model (Situation, Behavior, Impact) is a simple framework that helps you stay grounded in facts:
Situation: Be specific about when and where the behavior occurred:
"During yesterday’s team meeting..."
Behavior: Describe what you observed. Stick to facts, the behavior, and not judgment:
"You spoke over Sarah while she was sharing her report."
Impact: Explain how the behavior affected you/the team, or the project. Use “I” statements to keep it personal and non-confrontational:
"It made it hard for the team to hear her ideas, and it disrupted the flow of the meeting."
Step 4: Make It Actionable
Feedback should always look forward, not just back. Instead of saying, "Don’t interrupt people," say:
"In future meetings, let’s ensure everyone has space to share their thoughts. It would be great if we could wait for someone to finish before responding."
Step 5: Balance Truth With Care
Feedback isn’t about delivering a harsh truth or sugarcoating reality. It’s about offering constructive insights with kindness. A mantra I often share with clients is: “Truth with care.”
Instead of saying, "Your reports are always late, and it’s frustrating," try: "I noticed the last two reports were submitted after the deadline, which delayed our project timeline. How can I support you to ensure we hit deadlines moving forward?"
Overcoming Discomfort
Feedback might feel uncomfortable—for both giver and receiver—but discomfort is a sign of growth.
If someone reacts defensively at first, remember: that’s okay. Growth often starts with resistance. None of us like to hear that we’re not perfect. Trust that your intention to help them grow will resonate in the long term.
And as feedback becomes normalized, it will feel less personal and more like the natural part of professional development it’s meant to be.
Ultimately, your team will be grateful for a leader who cares enough—and is confident enough—to guide them. Growth doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it happens in relationships, with leaders who see potential and are brave enough to call it forward.
Your Next Step
Pick a person on your team and schedule a feedback session this week. Use the SBI model, ask permission, and focus on helping them improve. The more you practice, the better you’ll get—and the more your team will thrive.
Remember, great leadership isn’t about being liked by everyone; it’s about helping others grow into the best version of themselves.
Trust the process, and keep showing up. You’ve got this.
#LeadershipDevelopment #EffectiveFeedback #TeamGrowth #LeadershipTips #WorkplaceCulture #GrowthMindset #FeedbackLoop #LeadershipSkills #ProfessionalGrowth #ManagerTools #CareerDevelopment
