The 10 saboteurs - Newsletter Feb 2024
Today I want to share some thoughts on rejection and how to catch yourself when you are in fear-based, self-sabotage mode. I also have a couple of big announcements at the end, scroll down if you’re curious <3
Let’s start with rejection. Yikes. Just writing it is enough to make my heart shrink a little.
As a business owner, I know firsthand that it’s not fun to keep our hearts open when faced with rejection or when things don’t go as we hoped.
My business coach tells me to anticipate that only one in ten organizations to whom I pitch will choose to invest in one of my group coaching programs. Rationally, I get it, but it still stings a bit when I get rejected.
Let me reframe it: “It stings when my proposal is not needed at this time.” Notice what I did there? I depersonalized the rejection + made it a temporary thing.
A few clients are interviewing and have recently experienced rejection in a couple of job interviews. (btw some already found their next gig, which, spoiler, they like better than the one they got rejected from).
While that sort of rejection is difficult to depersonalize, it’s still not about you. Why? Because you can only control your mindset.
The rest falls into either your Circle of Influence (e.g. you control how well you prepare, but not the perceptions of the interviewer), or the Let-go Circle (e.g. the profile of other candidates).
Ensure you proactively focus your energy on what can change.
When I take rejection personally, my fear and inner saboteurs take over.
After years of practice, I can observe in real-time the conflict between my inner Sage (the part of me that’s compassionate and understanding) and my Saboteurs (my inner judge, an expression of my fear, criticizing me).
The Sage mindset is this: every challenge is an opportunity.
So when you get rejected, ask yourself:
What is this an opportunity for?
How can I grow from this experience?
How might I shift in an even better direction?
It takes dedicated practice to build the Sage muscles, and many people I coach see significant results within 6 weeks. They feel more in control and get triggered less both at work and in their personal life.
We are strong and fully capable of tapping into our inner Sage. This is how we take power back from our inner critic and practice being confident, sovereign, and self-empowered.
If you’re in the middle of a big work or life change, remember this: fear is your intern, not the boss.
Fear loves to collect data on what are the potholes ahead and create terrifying worst-case scenarios, but don’t let it convince you to not go on the adventure you want.
Sherzad Chamine, a Stanford lecturer, conducted research that revealed the inner judge is one of the 10 most common saboteurs we all have. Here are the other nine:
The Saboteurs are automatic thought patterns that cause us stress, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, and unhappiness.
They have good intentions and help us survive up until a certain point but limit our potential.
Judge - the universal saboteur; it beats you up over mistakes. It’s the main expression of fear. Its core need is to protect you.
Victim - it wants you to withdraw when you feel criticized. It feels alone, helpless, and guilty. Its core need is to feel accepted.
Pleaser - gets a sense of self-worth when helping and rescuing others. It assumes others are not capable of getting things done, ignores its own needs, and feels resentful. Its core need is to belong and be liked.
Restless - is easily distracted and impatient, avoids a real and lasting focus. It wants to escape anxiety and pain. Its core need is excitement and true self-nurture.
Hyper-vigilant - anxious about things going wrong, self-doubting, skeptical, and cynical. Seeks reassurance and guidance through rules and procedures. It wants to feel safe.
Hyper-achiever - seeks validation from constant performance and success, leading to burnout. Unable to connect on a deeper level with emotional needs and with others. Core need is to feel a sense of worthiness.
Hyper-rational - it analyzes rather than experiences feelings as a survival strategy. Values intellectual superiority. Core need is receiving attention, praise, and feeling valued.
Controller - an anxiety-based urge to take charge, avoids being vulnerable. Is willful, critical, and pushes others beyond their comfort zone. Feels too much of the burden: “It’s all up to me…”. Core need is to protect self from being hurt or betrayed.
Stickler - high standards, perfectionist, critical of self and others. Inflexible with change and with others. Lost in the weeds and loses sight of the big picture. Core need is to do the right thing.
Avoider - avoids the difficult and unpleasant. Has difficulty saying no and procrastinates. Suppresses anger and resentment rather than expressing these emotions. Core need is to feel happy and fulfilled.
Take the free saboteur assessment if you haven’t already. Your top 3 saboteurs hold the key to unlocking a whole new level of authentic confidence.
When you reclaim your power from the saboteurs, everything changes.
If you’d like my expertise with science-based strategies to uplevel your career and overcome roadblocks, I’m super excited to share two NEW ways to work with me:
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Here’s to your highest vision in 2024, and see you soon!
P.S. Enjoying this article? Please forward this to a friend who might resonate with it. Help me reach my goal of 1K subscribers <3
Hi, I’m Ramona, professional executive coach, helping senior leaders to grow their careers and break free from imposter syndrome and self sabotage. I coach leaders at Google, Facebook, Cisco, Deloitte, Accenture, Mars, Kohl’s, USA Department of the Air Force, Capital One, Salesforce, etc, as well as UC Berkeley and several non-profit organizations.
I’m a Positive Intelligence coach, Emotional Intelligence trainer, Mindfulness Meditation Teacher, and Master Practitioner of Energy Leadership(TM).
Prior to becoming a coach I was a marketing research leader in tech (Twitter, eBay, Ancestry, StubHub). I started freelancing in 2015 to explore a career change. I launched a self-funded research project on happiness, which led to coaching and creating my signature Inside Out Leadership model which I teach at several organizations.
I’m passionate about deep inner transformation and personal agency, which I believe are key in making the world a better place.
I was born and raised in Transylvania, Romania.
