How to shift from Self Sabotage to Sage Mode - Newsletter Dec 2023

I hope you’re enjoying a beautiful, fun, joyful holiday break! We’re off for a few weeks in Tahoe and Mt. Lassen, visiting with family and friends.

It’s time to usher 2023 out the door and thank it for all that it’s brought. Recently, I shared reflections on the past year with a couple of friends, and here are some of the questions we asked ourselves:

• What are we celebrating this year? We’ve worked so hard, it’s so important to honor our journey. Dr. Sweta, a friend and brilliant coach, prompted us to write 25 celebrations. As I listed mine, I was surprised at how many things deserved celebration!

• What are we leaving behind? It’s so powerful to consciously shed old habits and perspectives that no longer serve us, to break out of our own limitations. My friend Leslie and I went on a beautiful early morning hike in the coastal mountains and reflected on the perspectives we’re ready to release. So great to do this work with a friend!

• What insights are we taking with us in 2024? We all learned so much this past year. Here are some of mine:

One insight that emerged is how much growth we experience when we acknowledge what’s painful rather than push through. Pain can be a catalyst of much-needed change.

I’ve felt the pain of having to let go of the type of parenting I was used to, seeing my kids launch themselves into the world, and accepting that I can’t protect them like I used to.

For many clients, overwork-induced pain leads to change - prioritizing better, having critical conversations, delegating effectively, or finding a job that better aligns with their values and genius zone. 

Another insight is that when we become aware of how we self-sabotage we can easily shift to a self-empowering mindset and lower our stress.

Positive Intelligence research shows that our main saboteur is the inner judge - causing much anxiety and stress.

• One of the biggest lies our inner Judge perpetuates is that if we don’t beat ourselves up, we’ll become lazy and complacent. 

• We wrongly believe that worrying about negative future outcomes is the only way to motivate ourselves. 

• Judging others creates a sense of false objectivity, often leading to conflicts.

And if that’s not enough, in addition to the inner Judge, there are nine other self saboteurs (click the link to identify yours!).

Turns out that avoidance is my biggest saboteur.  Indeed, I prefer to emphasize the positive and I avoid difficult conversations - who can blame me? :-). But as I’ve learned to be more honest and confident, my conversations and relationships have deepened.

2023 has been one of my most transformative years. I learned to allow myself to feel my anxiety more, to learn what it’s all about. When I realized I was avoiding the fear of rejection and wasn’t pitching to potential clients, I decided to practice what I preach and put myself out there.

The results were incredible. I got to lead a workshop and speak at UC Berkeley’s NOW conference, and lead trainings at companies like Mars and nonprofits like Esq Apprentice, among others.

Many clients grapple with another very common saboteur: hyper-achievement, a trait I'm familiar with within myself. I love supporting particularly high achiever leaders who are new parents and want to work in more alignment with their core values.

Relying on constant success for validation leads to workaholic tendencies.

A client shared mixed feelings about losing an important corporate client. While there was a sense of loss, there was also relief from being freed of the toxic client that demanded impossibly tight deadlines.

We’re all striving toward that harmonious balance between working and Being.

It takes great courage to hold healthy boundaries in our overstretched culture and to maintain a compassionate connection with our deeper needs and with our loved ones. 

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How do we shift from self-sabotaging to self-empowering mode?

I shared about the Sage Mindset in last month’s Authentic Confidence workshop and explored it further with many of you in coaching sessions.

The Sage Mindset is the opposite of Fear-based thinking.

When making an important decision, ask yourself: Am I making this choice out of fear (e.g avoiding, defending) or because I truly believe this is the right thing to do?

A client recently asked, ‘Is it possible to shift from fear-based thinking to the Sage mindset, especially in the moment?”.

The answer is yes, but the speed and depth of this shift depend on your mental strength, which can be built through daily mental fitness practices like PQ muscle reps or meditation.

Shifting from fear-based to Sage-based thinking is not just possible, it’s something we’re evolutionarily wired for. It feels good in our body when we shift our mindset from anxiety to curiosity.

Shifting to the Sage mindset is not hard to do, but it requires consistent practice.

My daughter plays piano masterfully. At 20, after all those trips to weekly lessons since she was 5 years old, and her dedicated daily practice, the piano is now effortless to her.

What we practice becomes stronger.

And let’s face it, we’re always practicing something, aren’t we? We unconsciously practice judging others, and criticizing ourselves.

When we make a conscious effort to check in with ourselves daily and intercept fear-based rumination, we're more likely to shift to Sage mode.

The Sage mindset produces creative, compassionate, big-picture thinking. It leads to peace of mind and focused action even amid crises. And Lord, do we have plenty to practice with!

“If you don’t shift your mind when in distress, it is like keeping your hand on a hot stove and continuing to feel pain that was only initially useful”

- Shirzad Chamine, Positive Psychology.

Here is the SAGA framework I created to help you shift to the Sage mindset.

For those who couldn’t attend the Authentic Confidence workshop, I promised to create a workbook. Click HERE or on the image below to download the FREE e-book!

We get better results when our tool is self-acceptance rather than self-criticism. We make wiser, better decisions, when made with clarity and facts rather than reacting based on false, fear-driven assumptions.

I invite you to pick something that challenged you this year. Follow the 3-Step SAGA Practice to tap into your Sage Mindset.