WE DON'T GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH

Parenting is the most satisfying part of my life, and the hardest. It's one thing to learn what makes me happy, and what makes others happy, and another to guide kids through the preteen and early teenage years. 

I was raised with negative reinforcement. Corporal punishment was the norm back then. In Romania, I grew up with tough love. Nowadays, parents still criticize their kids even when they do things right - "see, why didn't you do this before? you're so stubborn". This is because many parents believe it's important to keep their kids' ego in check. On the other hand, they are affectionate, and hug their kids regularly, something I've always done with my own kids. 

As a teenager, I hated being criticized or slapped by my parents. I wanted to go as far as I could and be who I wanted to be and worked my butt off to be independent. In some ways, that type of tough love parenting worked in making a disciplined, tough, driven individual. To a fault. The downside of that toughness was that I took well paying corporate jobs I didn't enjoy. 

And yet, when it came to being a parent myself, I began to consciously stop the chain of negativity and corporal punishment. I made an effort to catch myself and not criticize our kids, something hard to do. I caught myself saying things like "your room is so messy! you never clean it", and began to replace that negative rhetoric with "do you want me to show you how to clean your room? when your room is tidy, you have more space to play and you'll enjoy it more." The simple idea here being that it's better to guide someone toward the state we think is good for them, rather than criticizing them for what they don't do. A subtle yet powerful change. 

Then I read about positive reinforcement. I would clean their room in front of them, encourage them to help do some tasks, and praised them for a job well done. 

The North Star for me is bringing as much positive energy in the house as possible. Sure, I want their room to be clean. I want the kids to do the dishes. I made a list with their chores on a chalk wall next to the kitchen, and I encourage them to look at the list every day when they come back from school. That way they learn both how to be organized, and feel in control. I try to gently remind them to get going on their chores, and praise them when they're proactive, and do something on the chore list without a reminder. I also praise them when they do something outside of that list.

But challenges of raising a pre-teen and a teen exist and a real. For more than a month, my preteen wanted to give up violin. "It's too hard! I don't enjoy practicing! It's not fun!". I was torn. On one hand, I don't want to push my kid to play violin and god forbid, be a "tiger mom". On the other hand, I thought about the underlying idea of my daughter's complaint. I noticed a common thread - in math homework, my daughter would say "this is so hard; I'm not good at math". Or "I'm just not a fast reader; kids are faster than me". This from the kid who finished a book in less than two weeks! As a researcher, I look for common threads to understand the underlying motivations and needs that lead to certain behaviors. So... I decided to encourage my daughter to not quit. Instead, I brought up this observation to her. I explained that everything great requires hard work. That we don't quit when things get hard. I said "when you get older you'll thank yourself for not giving up". Incredibly, she got over the hump, and doesn't bring up quitting again. Little by little, we're building the muscle of discipline and grit. Whew. That was NOT EASY.

An even tougher challenge, is guiding my older daughter who wants to be a singer and an actress. I encourage her to pursue her passion, knowing that it's a very tough road ahead, filled with rejection after rejection. We just found out last night she wasn't accepted in a musical theatre program she wanted to attend. This is the second major program she applied to and the second time she was rejected. Just to pause her for a second. Imagine being a teenager and you have a passion. What do you do when you're rejected? You think you're not talented. You are crushed. You desperately want to be good at something. You feel you're no good. You are hopeless. Life is not worth living. You want to get rid of pain. You want to quit pursuing your passion. 

When you witness this, what's the best way to do or say as a parent? How do you shelter your kid from pain, while also encouraging them to keep going on their passion?

I tried to use all my happiness research knowledge. I thought about the happiness framework I developed, and used every tool on my box. 

First: become aware of or own ego, our motivations, and self blocks. It's not about what others think about us. Our self worth come from being true to ourselves, not from the outside. This is a tough one. We focus on our own effort, not on the result. We focus on getting better, not on acing auditions or tests. We are lead by our own curiosity and enthusiasm, rather than by what other people say or do.

Second: caring for ourselves. Caring for our body, for our soul, for our community. It really helped doing a 5 minute yoga session with my daughter, as did encouraging her to call her best friends. We listened to her favorite music. I let her cry and massaged her body and her forehead. I hugged her. I stayed, even when she pushed me away. I assured her I'm here for her no matter what. That this too, shall pass. 

Third: channel wisdom. I reminded her that she is STRONG. That she comes from A LONG LINE OF STRONG WOMEN. I meant this. My grandmother, my mom, my aunt, myself. My husband's grandmother, his mother. There is inherent wisdom that our subconscious will tap into when we open up to it. I told her she is yet to become aware of her incredible inner strength. 

I told her stories of how famous actors took 10 years to get their first break. That the road to bringing forth our best selves is a long one, and that most people give up. That despite how tough it is and will be, following our bliss (to use Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey term) is the only way to live in the world. WE DON'T GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH. Because we shan't.