HOW TO HANDLE DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
One of the most consistent questions I hear most from clients is how to navigate difficult conversations. For most of my life, I have backed away from confrontations (don’t we all?) because I always hoped that things will get figured out by themselves (they don’t). The real reason I avoid confrontations? I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.
If you relate, I want to you know that you are not alone. I can’t think of a single client who didn’t ask me to help them become better at tackling tough conversations.
Here’s the thing. Our emotions are not exactly helpful in handling those tough encounters. Adrenaline is pumped into our bloodstream, and our body, our big muscles are getting ready as if for a physical attack. That means though that our brain gets less oxygen, making it tougher than usual to have rational, careful, strategic thoughts.
To make matters worse, we don’t exactly have good modeling of how to handle these important difficult conversations, so we all just wing it. We avoid feedback from our manager or coworkers, even though it could help us enormously to learn how we’re perceived, and our blind spots. We might even end relationships because we’re too afraid to speak up about our needs.
This stuff runs deep, and we so often choose to suffer in silence. Or we think we have to choose between telling the truth or keeping a relationship/friendship (in the book Crucial Conversations, this is called ‘Fool’s choice’). Or we hint what we want to say, but don’t speak up.
So is it possible to become masterful communicators when it comes to difficult conversations, at work or at home? Research shows that it absolutely is. Dialogue is a learnable skill.
Let’s jump right into the core of what it takes to become a great communicator in delicate situations:
if possible, prepare for a tough conversation, by relaxing your mind, reflecting (in writing if possible) about what’s really challenging, triggering you. Take a good look at yourself. Use this as an opportunity to name your feelings and the story you tell yourself about yourself, the other person, the situation. What’s your real motive for feeling triggered? What do you really want from yourself? From the relationship?
what about the situation you can own up to? The best way to become masterful at tough conversations is to start with the person in the mirror, because that’s the only person we can shape and be inspired by.
next, choose how you want to show up, and ask yourself - how might I be 100% honest while at the same time 100% honoring the other person?
speak up with absolute candor, step into a ‘free flow’
