THE "SECRET" OF HAPPINESS - PART 1
[light exercise included below]
What's the *secret* of happiness? Is there such thing? Are there people who are truly happier? Are people happy in the same way? What's the difference between what happy people know, feel, or do, compared to others who rate themselves as less happy? These are some of the questions that I've been seeking to answer with the Happiness Research project that I started back in October 2015.
After dedicating the past year to this research, I'm wrapping up the first stage of the project, and am writing about what I've learned so far. Truth be told - I'll always study happiness. We all do, right? In a sense, we all have been studying happiness since we first became aware of ourselves.
Happiness is a sexy theme, and very loaded (or loathed by some), I know. Even more of a reason to dedicate my time to it. I quit my full time job and freelanced since I started this project. I spent the bulk of my time interviewing people, studying psychology and philosophy, and digging into my own soul. I feel a lot closer to having a practical understanding of the emotion of happiness now compared to a year or so ago, when I started drafting this project. I'm ready to wrap up my learnings so far and share what I learned with you all.
I won't start here with WHAT happiness is, although this is one of the first questions I asked the people I interviewed. I'll get to this in the next post. There is a lot to unpack, so I'll start with a few foundational concepts. In the next few posts I'll get to more practical life strategies and steps also.
READY? Buckle up, we're in for a JOY ride!
At the most basic level, we first become aware of our WANTS. I want to be held more, I want more ice cream, more TV, more time with my friends. I want to go on dates, in adventures, to learn another language, to get into college, to move to another state or country, to have a guitar, a car, a house. Think about your wants for a minute. It might be fun to write them down if you feel inclined - list as many wants as you can think of.
Our wants are the starting point. Imagine you take the elevator into the depths of your soul. Underneath those wants there are your DESIRES, or motivations. There are shallow desires, like to please others, to have money, status, to prove something to ourselves or our parents. These desires influence our wish to get a secure corporate job, or a big house.
Let's take a minute to do this exercise. Think about WHY do you want to each of the things you listed above. For example. I want a promotion. WHY? Because I deserve it, I worked really hard on this job. WHY? Because I want to feel recognized, respected, appreciated. WHY? Because I want to feel like I belong, and that I'm loved. Why? Because it makes me happy. Notice how many *whys* you have.
Harvard professor Tal Ben-Shahar wrote in the book "Happier" that you need to have as few *why's* as possible. "When questioning why we want certain things, other than happiness, we can always question their value with another "why?"" Do this exercise for a couple of things you want, Ben-Shahar suggests. Notice how many "whys" it takes you to reach *BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HAPPY* which is the ultimate human goal. According to philosopher David Hume, "the great end of all human industry is the attainment of happiness."
This exercise helps you understand what drives you, motivates you. It's fun to think about this. The more we do this type of simple checking in with our soul, the better we understand ourselves, and ultimately the happier we end up feeling.
Underneath our shallow desires are our deeper desires. It's not always easy or clear to uncover our deeper desires. Ancient wisdom says that we really only have one deep desire - that to love and be loved. Science says that our deep desire is to procreate.
I argue that there is yet something else underneath our deeper desires. It is our life's PURPOSE. This our reason for being. This is where our AUTHENTIC self lives. This is the voice only you have, that no one else has. Let's pause here. Do you feel a sense of unique self, an authentic voice?
Let's look at what science says.
A study from 2002 shows that "all humans are 99.9 per cent identical and, of that tiny 0.1 per cent difference, 94 per cent of the variation is among individuals from the same populations and only six per cent between individuals from different populations." In other words, whether or not we look similar, we are 99.9% the same. There is a tiny 0.1% that is actually different in each of us. So really, we're not that unique. BUT, hang on.
Psychology studies explain that we all have the same TYPES of desires and motivations. In the 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow revolutionized the field of understanding human needs by putting forward a motivational theory made up initially of five types of human needs. Our most basic need is for physical survival, and this will be the first thing that motivates our behavior. If we're hungry, we can't move on until we eat. Then, we want other basic things like security and safety. Once we satisfied those, we become aware and driven by our need for human connection like friendship and intimate relationships.
Next is the need for ESTEEM - our own, and that of others. This is where our desire for status, for being appreciated comes in. So far so good, right?
Interesting to note that the need to fulfill these needs will become stronger the longer they are denied. So, the longer you go without food, the hungrier you become. The more you go without being recognized, to more you seek it. All of these needs are necessary to us humans. Even love and esteem are needed for the maintenance of our health and well being. They are not just just nice to have.
This is where it gets *really* interesting. You probably heard Steve Jobs famously say "you've got to find what you love in life". Once we have shelter and loving relationships, what more can we possibly desire? Maslow realized that we're not just driven by filling up our deficiency needs like hunger and love. Next level is our desire which he called "self actualization". This is the desire for *internal growth*. It is our desire to fulfill OUR POTENTIAL, to “BE ALL THAT WE CAN BE.”
This is where the concept that we are each UNIQUE comes in. The potential for human greatness begins here. Unlike food or shelter types of desires, there is no limit to internal growth type of desires.We can't ever have enough of this because we always change. There is no end to seeking personal growth or peak experiences. Or is there?
Let's pause again. Think about your own life. What "level" of the needs are you at? It's fun and interesting to think about how satisfied we are at each of these levels of needs and desires.
I love Maslow because he focused his life on scientifically proving what spirituality has been saying all along, since the beginning of human kind. That EACH OF US IS HERE FOR A REASON. That we are all inherently unique. That we each have the potential to become ALL that we can be.
Not so fast.
Once you have all you possibly desired, there is still something missing isn't it?
A few years before he died, bless his heart, Maslow added one more level to his needs model. Are you ready for this? This is the most beautiful place in our soul. It's HELPING OTHERS to achieve self actualization. I love this man. Beyond getting a roof above our head, and earning the respect and love of ourselves and of others, we yearn yet for more. WE YEARN TO SERVE (Maslow called this last step "Transcendence needs").
This helps explain why people throughout human history risked their lives for the benefit of others. When I lived in New York City and I was there during 9/11 I heard of several first responders who lost their lives trying to save others. Ordinary people find themselves doing extraordinary things when someone else's life is in danger. Our intuitive impulse to help others overrides our own self-preservation instinct. So fascinating. Breathtaking. And a good place to pause.
[to be continued. This is the first of a larger Happiness Research series.]
