3 Reasons You Get in Your Own Way
I’ve worked with so many brilliant, capable leaders over the years—and again and again, I hear a question that touches something deep and familiar:
“Why do I get in my own way? I wish I was more confident.”
This question comes from thoughtful, high-achieving people who’ve built successful careers and lives that might look flawless on LinkedIn or Instagram. And yet, when we speak honestly, there’s often a persistent sense of doubt without fully understanding why.
Here’s what I’ve come to recognize: most of us hold ourselves back, and the issue isn’t a lack of talent, knowledge, or drive. We’ve put in our 10,000 hours, we’ve developed our expertise.
But what we’re really wrestling with are fear-based stories we’ve internalized that have become background noise, woven tightly into our thinking.
1. Fear Disguised as “Being Realistic”
Fear, as I’ve learned, is clever. It doesn’t usually sound like “I’m afraid.” Instead, it’s disguised in more socially acceptable language: “I’m just being realistic—this probably won’t work,” or, “I should wait until I’m fully ready.”
One belief I used to hold onto, and a thought I still hear, is this: “It may have worked for others, but it won’t work for you.”
I tolerated that voice for years without questioning its authority. It dimmed my confidence, it stopped me from growing my business, and serving people who could have used my support.
I now know I’m not alone in this.
2. Fear of Visibility and Judgment
I hear versions of this same story in client conversations all the time.
A client recently shared that she often finds herself stuck in comparison mode, which keeps her from moving forward. When I gently asked her what she would do if she stopped comparing herself with others, and didn’t let her own judgement get in the way, she paused and then said:
“I’d finally launch that project that’s been on my mind. I’d say no to working late hours, and I’d fiercely protect my time with my family. I know what I want—it’s just hard to trust that it’s okay to do it.”
3. Waiting to Be Clear Before Taking Action
We tell ourselves things like: “I’ll speak up when I’m 100% sure I’m right.” or “I’ll make a change once I know exactly what I want.”
But here’s the uncomfortable truth—and I say this as someone who loves a beautifully color-coded spreadsheet—clarity doesn’t come first. Action does.
I used to think clarity arrived like a big reveal, but now I know it’s more like a breadcrumb trail, one we discover by taking small steps. We gain clarity by doing, experimenting, adjusting—and trusting that the next step will reveal itself once we’ve started moving.
The Psychology of Staying Stuck: Learned Helplessness
These fear patterns—whether it’s hesitation, perfectionism, or waiting for clarity—aren’t just mindset issues. They’re deeply rooted in psychology.
In the 1960s, psychologist Martin Seligman coined the term learned helplessness after observing that animals repeatedly exposed to uncontrollable stressors eventually stopped trying to escape—even when a way out was available. Humans are no different.
“The defining characteristic of learned helplessness is that the subject has learned that outcomes are independent of what they do. That is, that nothing they do matters.” —Martin Seligman, Learned Helplessness
If you were raised in environments where your voice wasn’t valued, or you were taught that being safe meant staying small, it makes perfect sense to not want to take risks.
It’s a wound. And like all wounds, it can be healed.
Learned Optimism
Thankfully, Seligman also discovered the way out: learned optimism—the ability to train your mind to see difficulties as temporary and changeable—rather than as permanent or personal failures.
It’s about building a more self-compassionate internal narrative:
Instead of: “This didn’t work. I must not be good at this.” You say: “This didn’t work yet. I can learn...”
We can literally rewire our thought patterns over time. The key is consistent practice.
Good Things Take Time
If you’re feeling uncertain or low on confidence right now, please remember: it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—it means you’re human.
Building real confidence at work is developed over time—one meeting, one courageous conversation, one boundary at a time.
This Week’s Reflection Prompt:
👉🏼 Where are you standing in your own way right now?
👉🏼 And if fear, self-doubt, or the need for perfect clarity weren’t driving your decisions—what would you do differently this week?
Write it down and let it be honest. You don’t need to have it all figured out, you just need to begin.
With love, Ramona
P.S. You don’t have to untangle all of this alone. If you’re ready for more clarity, confidence, and aligned action, I invite you to book a free discovery session with me HERE
Hi, I’m Ramona, a leadership coach and trainer helping high-achieving professionals lead with confidence, clarity, and ease—without burnout or self-doubt.
I’ve coached and led workshops at Google, Meta, Warner Media, Cisco, Deloitte, Accenture, Mars, VC firms, and mid-size startups, helping leaders break free from overwork, self-doubt, and people-pleasing.
With a blend of neuroscience, mindset coaching, and leadership strategy, I guide leaders through career transitions, executive presence, and personal growth. My credentials include: IPEC Certified Leadership Coach | Certified Positive Intelligence Coach Emotional Intelligence Trainer | Mindfulness Meditation Teacher
Before coaching, I spent years as a marketing leader in tech (Twitter, eBay, Ancestry, StubHub), so I deeply understand the pressures of corporate leadership.
I believe that when leaders step into their full potential, they don’t just advance their careers—they create ripples of positive change.
